Worst Election Ever
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Wade discovers the chaotic, underhanded side of politics when he decides to run for fourth grade class president.
1. Worst Election Ever Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 3

Airdate: September 25, 2016

"Worst Election Ever"

Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax

 _#TYH503_

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _A banner that reads "Welcome Back Students" is shown as it greets the kids coming inside. Cut to Testicular Sound Express entering the school._

WADE: Here we are again. The first day of school. A chance for new beginnings, a new sense of purpose...

RK: A chance to finally jump out the window during class like I always talked about?

WADE: RK, you do this every year. Can't you be excited for once about the first day?

RK: Can't I be exci...do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

SPARKY: I wonder what this year's assembly is going to be about.

BUSTER: I think it's going to be about that science teacher that threatened to kill everybody unless he got paid more.

JAYLYNN: Didn't he get fired?

BUSTER: I dunno.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are filling up the seats inside the auditorium. RK raises up the middle finger as he walks to his seat._

SPARKY: RK, are you nuts? You better put that down before you get suspended!

RK: I'm making a political statement. What are they gonna do to me?

 _At that point, RK sees Principal MacGregor approaching the podium and quickly puts down his finger._

RK: I mean, whatcha gonna do when, um...Hulkamania runs wild on you? We were talking about that, right, Sparky? You know the old Hulkster is racist, Sparky? Did you know that, Sparky?

SPARKY: Dial it back, man.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Good morning students. Welcome to another exciting year at iCarly Elementary School. Big news and big changes are on the way, including the announcement that starting this fall, we will be changing the name of this school.

 _The kids murmur amongst themselves._

BUSTER: He's drunk with power! DESTROY HIM!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: We believe that this new year should bring with it a new era at this school. We will be considering several different appropriate names for the school to take on this year. However, the change will not take full effect for several weeks.

SPARKY: Didn't we, the kids, already decide on the iCarly name?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. I wasn't there for that.

SPARKY: Oh yeah. Hey RK, didn't we...

RK: I know, he hates us now, the system hates you and will continue to hate you for as long as you're breathing.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Another announcement coming your way. This year brings with us once again the student elections. Anybody interested in running for a position should see Mr. Frax to fill out a form by next Friday.

BUSTER: Class president. Hey, maybe Wade could do it!

SPARKY: Hmmm. He does have a lot to offer. Wade, did you ever think about running for fourth grade president?

WADE: Not until now.

SPARKY: Great! So when are you going to Frax?

WADE: What? Guys, there's no way I can pull off a job of this caliber. It's a massive undertaking, involves dealing with the school on a professional and intimate level, upholding the ideals of the everyday...

RK: Stop going on about it, just do it!

 _Beat._

WADE: I don't wanna.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are leaving the auditorium._

WADE: Look, guys, I need time to think about it.

JAYLYNN: What's there to think about? You could change the fourth grade, Wade. You could make school cool again.

WADE: Make school cool again? Hey, that could be a slogan!

RK: Not really, I could come up with better. Look, Wade, you need power and I need something to do this year.

WADE: RK, I don't need power.

RK: You can't convince yourself that you won't get what you want, you're never going to win. Listen to me, kid, you're gonna be big. Stick with me and I'll take you to the top.

SPARKY: Wait, so you're going to be his running mate?

RK: Hell no. I'm going to be his campaign manager. As the campaign manager, I'm going to do whatever it takes to ensure that Wade wins this election.

WADE: There's going to be no winning because I'm not running!

BUSTER: RK's going to be the equipment manager for gym class? Cool!

RK: What? No, I said I'm going to be Wade's campaign manager.

BUSTER: Oh. I'm sorry, I was barely listening to any of that. I'm still a little shook after reading my schedule. I have science first period. Is that...is that some kind of sick joke?

 _Beat._

WADE: Yeah. Look, guys, I appreciate the support, but these elections are just shallow popularity contests. It's just a way to get your moronic friends in office so you can goof around and they don't have to do any work.

RK: Wait a minute, hold on for one second. Are you telling me that you think I should run for class president?

WADE: No!

RK: Oh, I thought that was where this story's going.

SCENE 4

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade and Adriana are watching TV when Adriana rubs her hand on Wade's thigh._

WADE: Adriana, it's a weekday.

ADRIANA: Come on, you're always ready to cuddle. Is something wrong?

WADE: Of course not, everything is smooth beyond compare. Or not. The guys think I should run for fourth grade president.

ADRIANA: Yes. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, you should run.

WADE: I don't think so.

ADRIANA: Why? Wade, this is going to be my one and only opportunity to be a First Lady. You know, unless you actually run for president years from now.

WADE: I doubt I would win. After Obama, the novelty of a successful black leader wore off.

ADRIANA: I'm just saying, I think you would make a great president. I mean, you're intelligent, you listen to people, you know your way around the school. You want me to protest? I will stand outside the school with a picket sign demanding that they give you the job.

WADE: No way, babe. I'm earning this thing.

ADRIANA: Wait? So that means you're going to run?

WADE: Well, I...yeah. I'm going to run for class president.

ADRIANA: Wade, this is the best! You're going to win. I know it.

WADE: Thanks Adriana. If my friends believe in me and you believe in me, that's all that matters. So, how about we have a little...you know, political roundtable right now?

ADRIANA: What?

WADE: Just kiss me, woman.

 _Wade and Adriana proceed to kissing._

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade walks up to RK who is storing notebooks into his locker._

WADE: What's up, RK?

RK: Wade, my man. You know, I had an epiphany yesterday. It was when I was eating my nightly soup, watching a rerun of _Friends_. That show's kinda boring to me. I mean, I understand why people like it, but I can't get into it. It's one of those things that you have to deal with and accept over time.

WADE: Your epiphany was about _Friends_?

RK: No, that was just my RK observation. I realized during my soup dinner that if you don't want to run for class president, there's nothing I can do to change your mind. It's your life, it's your decision, and as your best friend, I have to support you.

WADE: Wow. Thank you very much, man, but I actually decided to run.

RK: Really? Holy shit, Wade, are you fooling me? Are you playing me right now for a chump? If you're goofing on me, I swear to God...

WADE: No, dude, I'm serious about this. Adriana convinced me that it would be a good idea and I have all of the qualifications for it. I don't have anything to lose either.

RK: Well, I'm glad you decided to run. And as your campaign manager, I'm going to make your first election unforgettable.

WADE: Actually, this isn't my first election. I once tasted defeat all the way in first grade.

RK: Really, what happened?

WADE: I let it be known that I wanted to be the class monitor. It was a prestigious honor. Handing out workbooks, keeping track of class time, reporting bad behavior. It was the dream job in first grade. But no matter how qualified I was, I still lost to little Rayna Gutierrez.

RK: Rayna? Third grade Rayna?

WADE: Affirmative. She brought in cupcakes for the whole class, bought everyone's vote. It was a travesty.

RK: Wow. You know, Rayna's pretty sexy.

 _Wade gives RK a confused expression._

RK: Never tell Anna I said that.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are eating together without RK._

JAYLYNN: Where's RK? I can't remember the last time he missed lunch.

WADE: He's on his way, I think.

SPARKY: So am I talking to the next class president of the fourth grade?

WADE: That depends on how you see it, next vice president of the fourth grade.

SPARKY: Wait. So not only are you in the election, you want to make me your running mate?

WADE: That's right. I already talked to Mr. Frax and we're on the ballot.

SPARKY: Wade, I would be delighted to be your VP. I need to prepare a speech. How about this for an opening line? "Good afternoon fellow students. Now, where's that speech I was looking for?" See, I was thinking of something improvisational, you know, to get the kids laughing.

BUSTER: You don't waste a second, do you, Sparky?

SPARKY: I'm very thorough, you know this to be true.

 _At that point, RK walks in with sunglasses and his phone to his ear._

RK: Yes sir, I'm approaching Mr. President right about now. Yes, we're all very proud of him here. Yeah, campaign manager. I want to take Wade to the top. Look, maybe we'll have dinner with William and Kate, maybe we won't. We have to get started on the campaign trail here.

 _Jaylynn takes RK's phone away from him._

RK: Hey, I was this close from finalizing a dinner with royalty!

JAYLYNN: You're not talking to anyone.

RK: I'm aware of that.

JAYLYNN: Why are you wasting your time pretending to talk to someone?

RK: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'M A KID?! Seriously, Jaylynn, it's like, sometimes, you come off like a teenager in a kid's body. It's like, you want to be older but puberty's not ready for you yet so you're stuck like this forever. That could actually make a good Disney Channel movie.

WADE: RK, I appreciate your enthusiasm in helping me win, but don't you think this is a little much?

RK: Of course not. A good candidate has to project a strong image to voters. More charisma, more votes.

SPARKY: What about the issues?

RK: Those are important, but you have to at least stand out from the pack. This political shit is no game, son. There are murky waters out there you have to navigate, but I'll make sure we don't get lost at sea. Now, future prez, what's your first step?

WADE: Well, I just picked Sparky to be my vice president.

RK: Nice work. A ticket like that is really going to get people's attention.

BUSTER: Who else is running anyway?

WADE: Right now, just me.

RK: Don't get too comfortable yet, Wade. We have to make sure the competition stays grounded, and then we make our move in the swing states to gain traction.

WADE: What the hell are you talking about?

RK: I don't know, I watched a lot of CNN yesterday. Trying to pick up on the lingo. I also tried watching Fox News but they kept talking about how the government wants to kill you.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, Wade and RK are walking towards their lockers._

WADE: I can't believe I'm still running unopposed. I thought kids cared about student government.

RK: I don't know, Wade, it's a hard sell. Our generation just isn't as motivated as you and me. All they care about is their Instagram and their...and their MySpace and...and their AOL.

WADE: You don't know much about what our generation is into.

RK: It varies, okay? Anyway, I would be jumping for joy if I were you. No competition means you have a free ride to the presidency. Besides, even if someone were to go up against you and Sparky, who would be dumb enough to take the chance?

 _The scene cuts to Sanna filling out a form in Mr. Frax's classroom, with Ashley standing by her._

MR. FRAX: So you two are sure about this?

SANNA: We sure are. We want to see what we can do for our school this year.

MR. FRAX: Well, I appreciate you taking steps to break out of your shells and do something valuable for your fellow students. I'll tell Principal MacGregor and you two will officially be on the ballot.

 _Mr. Frax leaves for the principal's office while the girls follow._

ASHLEY: So explain to me why we're doing this again.

SANNA: Two weeks ago, did you tell me you wanted to change the school or not?

ASHLEY: I did, but I didn't...

SANNA: Your word is your bond, Ashley. Besides, you would make a great president. Everybody likes you, you're friendly, you know your way around the school. And as long as I'm around, I'm going to make sure you get all the votes. This is your year, baby.

ASHLEY: Well, thanks. But I still don't know. I know I have to give a speech and I'm not good at that.

SANNA: Just wing it. Or I'll write it for you.

ASHLEY: Really?

SANNA: Yeah, why not? Rappers do it all the time.

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids, minus RK, are watching TV. Brock Lesnar is giving a public service announcement in front of a black screen._

BROCK LESNAR: Hi, I'm Brock Lesnar, former WWE and UFC champion. If you're like me, you took drugs. The only problem is, you got caught taking drugs. Now that's okay, but when it comes to children, I don't want any of you to take drugs. You understand me? Don't take drugs or I will kill you in your sleep.

VOICEOVER: Brock, you're not following the script.

BROCK LESNAR: I don't care, the script is a joke. Where's my money for doing this? WHERE'S MY MOTHERF***ING MONEY?!

 _RK walks in at that moment._

RK: Guys, I have bad news. Our worst fears have been realized!

BUSTER: Halley's Comet is approaching?!

WADE: How is that bad news? Besides, the comet's not approaching for almost fifty years.

BUSTER: I read an article somewhere that said that the return of Halley's Comet is the first sign of the apocalypse.

RK: Buster, remind me to delete your Tumblr account tonight. Anyway, I just found out that Ashley and Sanna are running on the same ticket against Wade and Sparky!

JAYLYNN: You're looking at me, right?

RK: Yes.

JAYLYNN: Good, because that would have been awkward.

SPARKY: I think Ashley's going to be great competition.

WADE: Yeah. At least now, we get to have a real campaign.

RK: Are you nuts?! We can't be all smiley about this. Now that Ashley and Sanna are in the picture, they're going to do everything they can to win. We need to crush them. An aggressive campaign is all we have left.

JAYLYNN: It's a freaking school election, not the war in Syria.

SPARKY: You know, Jaylynn's right. I know you want to help, RK, but if you're going to be our campaign manager, you really need to calm down.

WADE: Exactly. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid when I decided to run.

RK: Alright, you guys make sense. I'll tone it down a bit. But at least now, I have a reason to be excited to go to school in the morning. I get to help my friends gain power.

BUSTER: Can I run for president too?

RK: What? No. Why would you? And even then, you're competing against your own friends.

BUSTER: I just wanted to know if it was possible. You see, RK, I have ideas and I really hate it when you shoot them down. Stop that.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is standing in the middle of the hallway speaking through a bullhorn._

RK: Vote for Wade Saltalamacchia for fourth grade president and Sparky MacDougal for fourth grade vice president. They'll make the school a better place. They're the straw that stirs the drink around here. They're Seattle's hostess with the mostest!

 _Ashley and Sanna walk up to RK. He sets down his bullhorn._

SANNA: You know that hostess is used for girls, right?

RK: You have something against gender equality? And anyway, I just want to say good luck to you guys. You're going to need lots of it. Wade and Sparky are highly motivated.

ASHLEY: I hope they're motivated at today's assembly.

RK: Assembly? For what?

ASHLEY: The meet the candidates assembly, silly. It's so all the kids can know what they have to about the people running.

SANNA: But of course, you wouldn't have known that. Wait, I thought you would have. Aren't you the campaign manager?

ASHLEY: I don't know, Sanna, it might be a little too much for him to handle.

SANNA: But still. No pressure.

 _Ashley and Sanna giggle as they walk past a seething RK._

SCENE 10

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _The auditorium is full for the assembly. RK is using a lint roller for Wade and Sparky's clothes on stage._

RK: I am so, so, so sorry for this. I can't believe I didn't know.

WADE: It's okay, man. We don't hold it against you.

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they announced it today.

RK: But I'm the campaign manager. If something like this happens, I have to take the fall for it.

 _Wade and Sparky look at each other with concern._

MR. FRAX: Good afternoon students. Welcome to today's meet the candidates assembly. This is where we're really going to find out what our nominees are about for student government. I would like to introduce the male candidates for the fourth grade. Wade Saltalamacchia and his running mate Sparky MacDougal.

 _Wade and Sparky receive cheers and applause as they head to the podium._

ASHLEY: Wow, the kids here really love them.

SANNA: Yeah, but they love us too. We can win this in our sleep.

SPARKY: Thank you, everybody.

BUSTER: SPARKY, I LOVE YOU!

HALLEY: I LOVE HIM MORE THOUGH!

BUSTER: Yeah, we'll see about that.

WADE: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we want to make it clear that we're about real change in this school. See, we've been here a long time.

SPARKY: A very long time.

WADE: And we understand that there are things we could do to make this school a lot more enriching. For example, we haven't had a whole lot of trips in the past few years. What's up with that?

SPARKY: We want to see what's out there. By planning more trips, we'll make sure the fourth grade kids have more of a reason to come to this school every single day.

 _There is more applause._

WADE: We hope you'll vote for us in the coming election. We play no games, we hide behind no smoke and mirrors, and we'll be dedicated to the job day in and day out.

SPARKY: Thank you.

 _Wade and Sparky leave the podium to more applause. Ashley and Sanna look nervous._

BUSTER: I knew they were going to kill it.

JAYLYNN: Me too. I mean, I like Ashley and Sanna but they have no idea what they're getting themselves into.

MR. FRAX: Wonderful remarks by Wade and Sparky. Now, I shall introduce...

RK: Hang on a minute, Mr. Frax. I'm RK Jennings, campaign manager for the Saltalamacchia-MacDougal ticket. Vote for these gents or suffer great consequences. They will put pizza in every oven. They put the "resident" in president because this school is their second home. They will...do this for you. Thank you.

MR. FRAX: Alright, thank you, Ryan. Now if you will please put your hands together for their opponents, Ashley Rodriguez and her running mate Sanna Qureshi.

 _There is applause for Ashley and Sanna as they step up to the podium._

ASHLEY: I want to be honest about something. We know what's going on in the fourth grade and we don't like it. We want kids to suggest fun things that we can do this year. We want to set up counseling programs for those who need help trying to get by in this school. More study hall classes, homework help, end-of-semester parties. We want to do these things for our school because we care about you guys.

SANNA: And we understand what it takes for a job this size. Hey Wade, how old are you again?

WADE: I'm eight.

SANNA: He's eight years old. You guys want a third-grader being in charge of you? I don't know, that might be a little off-putting.

 _The kids immediately start booing._

WADE: Okay, so I skipped a grade. Everybody here knows that so what's the big deal?

SANNA: The big deal is you're not at the level of maturity needed to take on this responsibility. I'm Sanna Qureshi, and I'm Ashley's running mate. We're here to win and tell the truth, not make promises we know we can't keep. Thank you.

 _There is a mixed reaction of applause and silence as the girls leave the podium. Buster and Jaylynn have wide-eyed stares._

HALLEY: Damn, Sanna. She destroyed them.

JAYLYNN: That...was unexpected.

BUSTER: Everything I used to know about the world means absolutely nothing anymore.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are leaving the auditorium slowly. Meanwhile on the podium, the boys are confronting the girls._

SPARKY: Okay, so what was that all about?

WADE: Yeah, that was blatant character assassination!

SANNA: I didn't see it that way. You guys are going to do whatever you can to win, and we will too. It's that simple.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but Sanna...

SANNA: Can I talk to you in private?

ASHLEY: Alright.

 _Sanna pulls Ashley aside while the boys leave the podium and then the auditorium._

SPARKY: I can't believe Sanna attacked you like that.

WADE: Yeah, I thought we were friends. I thought this was going to be a clean election.

RK: Now do you guys see my point? Friendship, cleanliness, that all goes out the window in politics. If Ashley and Sanna are going to pull dirty tactics like that, we have no choice but to respond back.

WADE: Yeah, but how? We don't know anything that personal about Sanna and Ashley.

RK: You would think that, but lucky for you, you have the best campaign manager money can buy.

SPARKY: You offered us your services for free.

RK: Know yourself, know your worth, Sparky. The one thing Drake ever taught people. Let's go, we have work to do.

 _The scene cuts back to the auditorium._

SANNA: Look, I know how RK is. I've talked to him before, I've been to his house before, I've eaten with him before. He's going to stop at nothing to win.

ASHLEY: I've done all those things with him too.

SANNA: Dude, I'm trying to teach you something here. Look, it was only a matter of time before Sparky or Wade said some dumb shit about us. At least now, we beat them to the punch and they know to take us seriously.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but we should be above that kind of thing. We're trying to do the right thing, not hit below the belt. Don't you think we can win without calling them out?

SANNA: I guess. Maybe it was a little uncalled for, but I know RK's moves. I'm staying cautious.

ASHLEY: At least we can put this behind us and try doing things the clean way.

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _Ashley and Sanna head towards the school when they see a boy on top of the steps make gorilla noises at them and walk back inside._

ASHLEY: I thought Monkey Day was in two weeks.

SANNA: Maybe he's practicing?

 _Ashley and Sanna walk inside to several kids laughing at them and taunting them with bananas._

SANNA: Please tell me I'm dreaming.

 _Ashley looks to her left and sees a crude drawing of her as a gorilla high-fiving Sanna as a chimpanzee, with the word "Neanderthals" on the bottom._

ASHLEY: No. You're wide awake.

 _Ashley tears off the drawing and angrily marches towards RK, Wade, and Sparky, who are handing out more of the drawings near the trophy case._

ASHLEY: Do you guys really think this is funny?

RK: Personally, I think it's hilarious. And it hits close to home.

KID: Hey Sanna, stay away from the monkey bars!

SANNA: Shut up! Real nice of you to bring back bad memories, RK.

ASHLEY: You guys suck.

 _Sanna and Ashley crumple up their drawings into balls to throw at Wade and Sparky while RK shrugs and continues to hand out drawings. "Let It Roll" plays in the background._

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade, Sparky, and RK are sitting in front of Mr. Frax's desk with looks of disappointment._

MR. FRAX: I am very disappointed in all three of you for the stunt you pulled this morning. This act is unbecoming and uncharacteristic of you guys and it will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

RK: But Mr. Frax, you have to understand that what we were doing was in the name of fair competition.

MR. FRAX: Explain to me how making fun of your fellow candidates by portraying them as primates is in the name of fair competition.

RK: Well, a couple years ago, Sanna ran for class president, and she had all these posters up that said "Sanna's a Champ!" So I did a little editing and changed some of the posters to "Sanna's a Chimp!" It's a reference to something.

WADE: What Ashley and Sanna did yesterday was gratuitous and underhanded. They wanted to act like Neanderthals, so we're going to treat them like it.

SPARKY: You know, like those political cartoons from back in the day?

MR. FRAX: Look, I know what the girls did yesterday was wrong, but this is not the way to retaliate. You guys need to respond with a campaign that's mature enough to not cross the line. Principal MacGregor entrusted me to handle the elections, and I will not have it turn into a farce!

RK: Honestly, it's not that bad. I mean, most kids will probably forget about it by tomorrow.

MR. FRAX: They're all over the school! How many copies did you even make?!

RK: A lot, but that's the janitor's responsibility.

MR. FRAX: Guys, I really don't want to have this conversation again. Promise me that you'll stick to the issues from now until the votes are counted.

WADE, RK, AND SPARKY: Yes, Mr. Frax.

 _The boys then leave the room._

SPARKY: This is ridiculous. Ashley and Sanna started it, but we're the ones being punished?

WADE: In hindsight, I could see how the drawings are juvenile, but whatever the case may be, we only did to them what they did to us.

RK: You know what? Mr. Frax is right. If we're really going to beat those girls, doing the opposite of what they do makes perfect sense. Have them look like idiots, the fourth grade sees how immature they are, and you guys are in office like that.

SPARKY: But what if they respond back?

RK: Then we'll see. But in the meantime, I noticed they haven't started advertising yet. We could beat them to the punch there.

WADE: You think this is going to be a good election?

RK: I hope so, but I'm the campaign manager. It's my job to reassure you.

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Buster and Jaylynn are working on signs for Wade's campaign._

WADE: Thank you so much for the support, guys.

JAYLYNN: Of course, Wade. I can finally say that I got someone elected.

BUSTER: Well, this poster's ready to go. "Vote for Wade."

WADE: Um, Buster, that says "Vote for Wape."

BUSTER: It does? Ah, son of a bitch! I was thinking about grape juice when I made this.

JAYLYNN: Hey, don't get so down on yourself. It's better than the first one I made.

 _Jaylynn shows off her sign that says "I Like Wadike." RK walks downstairs with a box._

RK: Okay, guys. I've been waiting to unveil these, and here they are. Hot off the presses, the official buttons for our campaign.

 _RK shows off a button of Wade and Sparky smiling together._

WADE: When did you even take that picture?

RK: Don't worry about it. The point is, we want to advertise you, but we need to take advantage of Sparky being your running mate.

SPARKY: Why do I look so happy? I'm never that jolly.

RK: Once again, don't worry about it. Ashley and Sanna probably don't even have these.

SCENE 15

The Rodriguez Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _Ashley is putting the finishing touches on a tray of strawberry cupcakes by adding sprinkles to them. Meanwhile, Sanna is wrapping up another tray in aluminum foil._

ASHLEY: I feel like we've been baking for hours. When does it stop?

SANNA: Don't worry, this is the last one. I'm telling you, honey, when we're done handing these out, even the boys are going to vote for us.

ASHLEY: I feel dirty. They're going to see right through what we're doing.

SANNA: Ashley, you worry too much about everything. That's not how we're going to win this election. You know who worries about everything? Losers. Are you a loser, Ashley? Do you enjoy losing? Do you get some sick enjoyment when you lose? Is it fun always taking the L, Ashley?

ASHLEY: You know I hate losing. I'm just trying to make sure we don't get ourselves in more trouble than we can handle.

SANNA: Relax. What are the chances of this backfiring on us?

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Ashley and Sanna are in the middle of the hallway handing out cupcakes. Wade and Sparky walk in and see the event take place._

SPARKY: They're handing out cupcakes?

WADE: No. No, this is a travesty! It's Cupcakegate all over again!

SPARKY: Cupcakegate?

WADE: That's it. I can't take this anymore. Character assassination, bribery. What's next, plagiarism? I'm going over there and setting those two straight.

SPARKY: And I'll follow right behind you...for moral support.

 _Wade and Sparky march towards the girls._

WADE: You guys are just above nothing, aren't you? What is handing out cupcakes going to prove?

ASHLEY: That there are perks to voting for people who care about the school. Of course, we're just...what are we, Sanna? Baboons?

SANNA: No, I think I'm a chimpanzee and you're a big, dumb gorilla?

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, we are. You know, guys, since you see us as monkeys, we should only treat you humans like how you see us.

 _Ashley and Sanna shove cupcakes in the faces of Wade and Sparky._

SANNA: Enjoy the treats, boys. Now, if you guys want a good president, you just saw how Ashley doesn't take crap. She throws it right back at you.

WADE: Sparky?

SPARKY: Yes?

WADE: Did they just play dirty politics again?

SPARKY: About as dirty as the men's bathroom at Sears.

 _Wade gives Sparky a blank look._

SPARKY: What? Haven't you ever been in there? It's a nightmare.

SCENE 17

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The cafeteria is filled with posters advertising votes for Wade and votes for Ashley. The kids notice this as they arrive from the lunch line._

JAYLYNN: This election is really becoming a war.

RK: Oh, so you admit that it's getting that serious?

JAYLYNN: You know what I mean, man.

RK: Yeah, but you admitted it.

JAYLYNN: I'm telling Anna you have a crush on me!

RK: You're disgusting.

JAYLYNN: And you're a pain in my ass.

SPARKY: Guys, come on now! This is ridiculous. Every day, it's the same old shit. RK's muttering to you, you're muttering to RK. Quit the muttering, always muttering and gabbing on about pointless nonsense. Freaking kids trying to turn me into some kind of old man.

WADE: Buster, what are you eating?

BUSTER: The free cupcakes from Ashley and Sanna.

WADE: You're openly supporting our opponents?!

BUSTER: Look, I just got nine and started chowing down. I don't care what the cupcakes are for, I just want to eat them.

WADE: That's it. We're dead.

RK: What? Don't tell me you're thinking about dropping out. Do you know how this looks on me as your advocate? If you guys drop out of the race, Ashley becomes president by default.

SPARKY: We know what happens next once we drop out, RK. Let's face it. Those girls are too sympathetic for anyone to not side with them. All we did was pull a lame prank on them. We have nothing. It looks like we're donezo.

WADE: And I really wanted to change the fourth grade.

SPARKY: Don't worry, Wade. There's always next year.

WADE: But we're going to be fifth graders next year.

SPARKY: See, you would think that, but...

RK: Nobody here is donezo. Alright? Today's the debate between the candidates. If we don't show and prove today, we still have the final speeches to give. Only then will we be donezo.

BUSTER: You know what rhymes with donezo? Funzo!

SPARKY: Buster, honey, finish your cupcakes.

BUSTER: I'll shut up now.

WADE: RK, that debate's going to be pretty intense. You think we have what it takes to win?

RK: Of course I do. Look, I don't know what I see before me, but this isn't the Wade and Sparky I know. No, these two just sound like quitters. Spineless, nervous quitters. The real Wade and Sparky don't back down from challenges. They fight for what they want. They get what they came for. They do whatever it takes to be the best. I'm just hoping they show up to today's debate.

SPARKY: You know what, Wade?

WADE: What?

SPARKY: I think it's time we get what we came for.

WADE: You're damn right.

SCENE 18

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _Mr. Frax is on the podium addressing the kids. Microphones are attached to a table that the candidates are sitting on, including campaign manager RK._

MR. FRAX: Students, it's time for our fourth grade presidential debate. Students will ask our candidates questions that they have to answer concisely and carefully. We're going to take questions right now.

HALLEY: I have a question for Wade. If elected, will you have any control over the lunchroom menu?

WADE: I would like to answer no due to the fact that school lunch is sanctioned by the government.

HALLEY: Okay, thank you. I'll just throw away my follow-up question.

BUSTER: You had a follow-up question?

HALLEY: Dude, seriously, half the time, I can't tell if you're trying to be sarcastic or sincere.

WILL: I have a question for Ashley. How much will Sanna be involved in your business if you win?

ASHLEY: Well, Sanna will just handle the little things. We're a partnership through and through.

RK: You know, when it comes to bland statements, I could put that on white bread and dip it in tap water. Bleh.

ASHLEY: We do everything together. She's going to assist me with what I need help in. Do you have a problem with that?

RK: Of course not. I'm just saying, when it comes to explaining things, you're not exactly Clarissa Darling. I mean, what's that even supposed to mean? The little things. Really, the little things? I guess Sanna stealing from the bake sale funds will be a little thing.

BUSTER: That reminds me. I have two questions. For both Wade and Ashley.

MR. FRAX: Alright, Buster, what's the first question?

BUSTER: Will you guys be able to leave snacks in every room so when we come to school in the morning, we can expect some snacks?

ASHLEY: Well, I think that would be a great idea, but I don't think it's very...feasible to me.

WADE: Not very feasible? It sounds pretty feasible to me.

ASHLEY: What makes you think that?

WADE: It all starts with creating a trust fund that goes specifically to snacks. Kids can contribute to it and help us pay for snacks they suggest, then we can implement them in classrooms and reward good behavior.

SANNA: Oh, so only if a kid behaves well, we should give them snacks?

WADE: Pretty much.

SANNA: That doesn't make any sense. The snacks should be for anybody.

BUSTER: I had a follow-up question by the way.

HALLEY: You had a follow-up question?

SPARKY: Don't you think a kid that does what they're supposed to do, shows up every day, and helps their school deserves more snacks than the next guy?

ASHLEY: I guess, but it's supposed to be fair.

WADE: Do you guys really want a president that endorses mediocre performance?

RK: When Ashley and Sanna were born, their parents originally wanted to name them both "Mediocre."

SANNA: You're an idiot.

RK: And you're a vindictive know-it-all trying to win something you have no business being a part of.

ASHLEY: Hey, don't go after my best friend or I'm going to go after yours.

RK: You're supposed to go after him, you idiot! You're not debating against yourself!

MR. FRAX: Everybody, just calm down.

ASHLEY: Wade, you're never going to be president if you have this guy backing you up. But you know, birds of a feather and all that.

WADE: What's that supposed to mean?

ASHLEY: Maybe when you chose your friends, you thought you made the right choice but you really didn't.

SPARKY: Lay off of Wade. He has the best friends around!

SANNA: Stop being a cheerleader, it's disgusting.

SPARKY: It takes one to know one, sister. All you need are some damn pom poms and a lame cheer people forget after five minutes!

RK: Ashley and Sanna secretly descend from Nazis.

ASHLEY: Shut up, RK! You're the one who caused climate change.

RK: You caused the crack epidemic in the 1980s.

SANNA: You sell expired cans of knockoff brand soup to homeless kids.

SPARKY: You were behind the water crisis in Flint.

ASHLEY: You go to Wal-Mart every day and kick old ladies in the stomach for cash.

WADE: You caused the Cuban Missile Crisis.

SANNA: You're so young, you think Twitter was around in the nineties.

RK: YOU TOOK INVADER ZIM OFF THE AIR!

MR. FRAX: WILL EVERYBODY PLEASE STOP IT?! THIS DEBATE IS OVER! PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR'S OFFICE NOW!

RK: She really did get rid of _Invader Zim_.

MR. FRAX: RK!

RK: I'm just saying.

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is pacing around while the other four are sitting on the couch._

JAYLYNN: I just want to say, for the record, that today's debate was one of the funniest things I've ever seen happen at school.

RK: Well, the election speeches are tomorrow. I have a long night ahead of me, but I think I can bang them out and ensure you guys the victory.

SPARKY: Why are you writing the speeches for us?

RK: Sparky, since the dawn of time, the greatest speeches in history have been written by other people. I hear MLK had a couple ghostwriters on the side back in 1963.

WADE: I really think it's a terrible idea if you write our speeches.

RK: I mean, I'm the campaign manager. I have to do this for you or else, I'm just not doing my job at all.

JAYLYNN: Okay, you're just not doing your job at all.

BUSTER: I think you guys should give RK a chance. Who knows? Maybe he'll surprise you.

WADE: Alright, you know what? Fine. You do the speeches. Just no goofy shit. Principal MacGregor said that if we slip up one more time, there's going to be no student government for the fourth grade.

RK: Trust me, it will all be on the level. Ashley and Sanna's campaign is going to die in the fiery pits of hell tomorrow afternoon.

SPARKY: I really don't like it when you smile so much.

SCENE 20

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _The auditorium is once again full as Mr. Frax and Principal MacGregor get the podium set up._

BUSTER: Jaylynn, I don't think this is going to turn out well.

JAYLYNN: Bro, this shit's about to be hilarious.

BUSTER: Well, yeah, there's that. But I'm starting to think that this whole election is just one big joke. Does it really matter who wins? I mean, are we really supposed to care who wins when they end up doing nothing?

JAYLYNN: Wait, we were supposed to take this seriously?

MR. FRAX: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the big day. Election day. We'll be hearing from our fourth grade presidential candidates and afterwards, you, the students, will cast your vote. The ticket with the most votes will be elected into office. First off, a speech from vice presidential candidate and running mate for Wade Saltalamacchia, Sparky MacDougal.

RK: Okay, Sparky, remember to smile, wink, and lick your lips whenever you can. You want to give the female voters the idea that they can look, but they can't touch.

SPARKY: Riiiight. You have the speech?

RK: Got it right here, compadre. Knock it out the park.

SPARKY: Thanks.

 _Sparky walks up to the podium and takes a second to clear his throat._

SPARKY: Wade Saltalamacchia is the smartest, kindest, sexiest man on the face of the Earth. He has been a continuous source of inspiration and pleasantly surprising bathroom experiences for me.

 _The crowd is confused as RK looks through his folder._

WADE: RK, what the hell is he reading up there?!

RK: That's not the real speech, that's the joke speech.

WADE: The what?

RK: Last night, I just wrote some joke speeches to get started and have a good laugh. I must have left the real speeches at home!

WADE: You idiot, do you know what you just did?!

RK: I'm going to prison for a long time, aren't I?

SPARKY: I'm sorry, I just don't know if I should read the rest of this. Um, Wade is the reason I'm even alive. After Hurricane Sandy, I came down with a nasty case of HIV. Wade stepped in and did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Now I ain't got no more HIV. That's pretty sneaky, sis. Wade's muscles ripple through his shirt whenever he walks, and one time, I think I even saw his massive bulge. Wade knows just what to say to me. He's like, "Snoop Doggy Dogg, you need to get a jobby job." I think Ashley and Sanna both need to get castrated. Cut the balls off, cut the balls, CUT THE BALLS! HELP THESE PEOPLE! My God, Wade has the bolt cutters. GET IN THERE, GET IN THERE, ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU, GET IN THERE!

 _Wade gives RK a look of disgust._

SPARKY: Now that I was able to talk about Quaaludes and the diaphragm, let me kick something stupid. My name is Sparky MacDougal. I was an average kid until an accident changed my life forever. My girlfriend thinks it's cool. My brother Larry thinks I'm some kind of science project. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. First they're sour, then they're sweet.

BUSTER: Sparky doesn't have a brother. What kind of sorcery is this?

SPARKY: So if you want me as your VP, put your finger in the air and let me see where you're at. Wade will...he will make, um...good political things...make a...make, make, the Big Daddy Kane...go to hell. Fresh for '16, suckas!

 _The kids start clapping for the speech._

SPARKY: I didn't even say anything!

WADE: He was talking about complete bullshit, and they ate it up. They're eating up every bit of this election.

SPARKY: RK, I'm going to kill you!

RK: I know, I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to read that. Wade, they're probably going to love this speech anyway, so just read it.

WADE: I'm not reading that, no chance in hell.

RK: Just read the first couple paragraphs and ad-lib. I don't care, I'm just trying to make sure we win.

WADE: Fine, give it to me.

 _Wade goes up to the podium with his joke speech._

WADE: I was born and raised on the mean streets of Charleston, South Carolina. When I was fifteen years old, I broke my neck after saving ten people from a burning building. I later moved to Dallas, and I was bullied constantly because I was a black guy. I ended up getting a degree at the University of Phoenix, and ever since that, the brain tumor has been alright? I once spit in Oprah's face at a book signing?! I was a political prisoner at the time?! If I'm not better than Che Guevara, Malcolm X, and Tupac Shakur combined, I'm the closest one?! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!

 _The kids murmur confusingly._

WADE: This election has turned into the world's stupidest punchline. You know, when I first ran for president, I really wanted to change things. I wanted to be there for the students and at least try to care about the issues we all faced. But I ended up getting caught in the circus, and now I'm no better than any other politician. I wasted my time creating drama and wanting to win that I completely ignored my platform. Well, I've had it. I'm dropping out of the race.

 _Wade leaves the podium and sits back down._

BUSTER: I don't get it. Is Sparky the president now?

 _Jaylynn gives Buster a blank stare._

SCENE 21

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _RK, Wade, Sparky, Ashley, and Sanna are sitting on the stage as everyone else has left._

SPARKY: So Wade, were you serious about dropping out?

WADE: Yes, Sparky. I couldn't take it anymore. The whole race turned into a joke. I couldn't sacrifice my principles just because I wanted to win.

RK: You know what, guys? I'm sorry for acting like such a weirdo. I'm a terrible campaign manager. I wanted you guys to win so badly, I forgot what was really important and ruined your fun. I guess I just lost sight of...

SANNA: Okay, stop, stop. Please. You sound like a sitcom right now. But I have to say sorry too. I mean, it was my fault this whole thing happened. If I didn't call Wade out at that assembly, we could have had a clean race.

ASHLEY: Plus, you forced me to run.

SANNA: It's true. Neither of us really wanted to be in office.

SPARKY: So why did you run anyway?

SANNA: I just wanted to get back at RK because he ruined my campaign a couple years ago.

RK: It was classic. But I shouldn't have drawn you guys like animals.

ASHLEY: I can't believe I acted like that all because of an election.

SPARKY: Me either. Remind me not to go into politics anytime soon.

 _Mr. Frax walks to the kids with a card in his hands._

MR. FRAX: Guys, I really hope you learned something about the democratic process during this election.

RK: Um...no? I just learned I shouldn't be such a crappy campaign manager next time.

SPARKY: And that all of this could have been avoided if we just calmed down.

ASHLEY: Seriously, what are you talking about?

MR. FRAX: I mean...whatever. Look, I have in my hand the election results.

WADE: It doesn't matter, Mr. Frax. Whether I won or Ashley won, it doesn't mean anything at the end of the day. It's an empty accomplishment neither of us need.

SPARKY: Wade's right. I'm dropping out of the race too.

ASHLEY: Me too.

SANNA: No point anymore.

RK: I'm dropping out like a drug addict in high school.

MR. FRAX: RK, you never ran for a position in office.

RK: I mean, as campaign manager. Maybe in the future, I can be somebody else's stooge.

 _The five kids leave the auditorium at that moment. Mr. Frax shrugs and tosses the card on the floor. The card reads: "Wade/Sparky: 90, Ashley/Sanna: 74." Fade to black. We then see RK and Wade in the Jennings' living room sitting down._

RK: Hi. I'm Ryan Kennedy Jennings.

WADE: And I'm Wade Saltalamacchia. Tonight's episode of _Thank You, Heavenly_ was a very special episode about politics.

RK: With the U.S. presidential election coming up, there's something you should know. Whether you like it or not, this country's going to hell very soon.

WADE: It's important to do all you can to not get involved and not give certain candidates the satisfaction of knowing you voted for them.

RK: Many years ago, MTV started a campaign designed to get teenagers to vote. We here at _Thank You, Heavenly_ see this as propaganda, and are annoyed that so many people feel the need to poison our children like this.

WADE: Tell your friends, teachers, police officers, anybody you trust that voting is not the way to go.

RK: I don't think people actually trust the police, are you sure you're not making that up?

WADE: Either way, the election doesn't need your input. Stay away from the polls and accept what's coming to you.

RK: It's only fair. Good night, everybody!

 _("Give the People What They Want" by The O'Jays playing in the end credits)_

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

ROAD TO 100: 9 WEEKS AWAY


	2. Worst Election Ever Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 9/25/16)_

-This episode was written back in July, and I actually like it even more now than I did when I first wrote it. It was a response to the 2016 U.S. presidential election and how much of a joke I felt like it was. I came up with the idea before the end of season four, and I think it's an example of how far the show has come since season one.

-This episode was originally going to be the season premiere, until I came up with the idea to start the season a month earlier (to ensure the 100th episode comes in November).

-This is an idea that I'm surprised took me so long to do. It feels like it would fit in season one.

-In season one, I had plans to do an episode based on the 2012 presidential election. It was called "Red, Blue, or Purple?" and was going to feature the boys arguing with each other over their political views. There were also going to be guest appearances by Joe Biden and Paul Ryan amongst others. However, I was affected by Hurricane Sandy so I was unable to write it. Since I missed out on doing an election episode four years ago, I knew I had to do one this year.

-Road to 100: The number of votes for Wade and Sparky (90) is the episode number.

-The episode title is a reference to the catchphrase "Worst. Episode. Ever." made famous by _The Simpsons_ ' Comic Book Guy.

-Originally, the episode was simply going to be about RK losing his mind as campaign manager, until I realized how much more entertaining it would be if everyone running went too far.

-Because this episode was inspired by the 2016 election, I decided to avoid any and all explicit references to it until the PSA at the end.

-I'm not sure if I'm going to follow up on the school changing its name. I might address it in a future episode, but right now, I'm having second thoughts.

-The slogan "Make school cool again" is a reference to Donald Trump's slogan "Make America Great Again."

-Another idea I had for this episode was RK opposing Wade, but I thought that was too predictable so I decided not to go with it and I even reference it in the episode itself.

-Brock Lesnar's anti-drug PSA was a reference to his failed drug tests back in July.

-RK telling the kids that Wade and Sparky will put a pizza in every oven is a reference to Herbert Hoover's campaign slogan during the 1928 presidential election: "A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage."

-RK's drawing of Ashley and Sanna as a gorilla and chimpanzee (respectively), along with Sanna's motivation for running, is a reference to a cutaway gag back in "1,000 Ways to Advertise" when RK messed with Sanna's campaign posters. This cutaway was actually a reference to the _Who's the Boss_ episode "Forgive Me, Tony." When thinking of Wade's opponent, I remembered the cutaway and knew it had to be Ashley and Sanna.

-Buster's mistake when making Wade's campaign poster is a reference to the _Family Matters_ episode "The Candidate," and Jaylynn's first poster is a reference to Dwight Eisenhower's campaign slogan during the 1952 presidential election, "I Like Ike."

-Wade's declaration of "Cupcakegate" is not only a callback to him losing the race for class monitor in first grade, but also a reference to the 1972 Watergate scandal involving then-U.S. President Richard Nixon.

-When I first wrote this, Wade's line about dirty politics was actually supposed to lead to him and Sparky playing dirty after the cupcake incident. However, since they never did, the line no longer made sense so I had to change it.

-At the debate, RK makes a reference to the 1990s Nickelodeon show _Clarissa Explains It All_.

-The joke speeches RK wrote were originally supposed to be the actual speeches in an attempt to get more votes, but I started to think it didn't make sense and made RK look stupid so I decided not to go with that idea.

-The joke speeches were actually inspired by the _Boondocks_ episode "Wingmen" because in that episode, Granddad ends up reading a fake eulogy at the funeral of his dead friend, which his friend wrote beforehand specifically to embarrass him.

-Sparky's joke speech makes references to the following: The music video for Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Gin and Juice," the ending of WWE _Hell in a Cell_ 2011, the drug Quaaludes that Bill Cosby was accused of using, the opening sequence for _The Secret World of Alex Mack_ , the slogan for Sour Patch Kids, "American Bad Ass" by Kid Rock, Kalisto's promo at the 2016 WWE Draft, and KRS-One's old catchphrase that he used on Boogie Down Productions albums: "Fresh for (insert year), suckas!"

-The tongue-in-cheek PSA was one of the first things I came up with for this episode.

-Originally, the song playing at the end was "Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac)" by OutKast, but I switched it to "Give the People What They Want" because of the episode's political themes.

 _EIGHT THINGS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT THANK YOU, HEAVENLY_

1\. I had a lot of interesting episode ideas for season one, including one that consisted of nothing but the boys parodying music videos. I have no idea how that would have worked at the time, but I do want to try something musical by the time the series ends. It will be something along the lines of Fall Out Boy's _The Young Blood Chronicles_.

2\. A long time ago, when RK was in love with Buster, I was contemplating having Buster return his feelings (possibly in the movie) but it became pointless once RK became who he is now.

3\. I had planned to end the Jaylynn/Anja romance storyline in season three, with an episode where Anja has her first boyfriend (voiced by Ross Lynch) and Jaylynn deciding to finally make a move. However, when I later found out from a few unnamed sources that Muslims are not supposed to date, I was forced to forget the episode idea. This is actually the one episode I couldn't do because of someone else. Also, through these sources, Lynne's character was born.

4\. In season one, I did two episodes in one weekend as part of a special called "Buster's All-Star Birthday Bonanza." I would spend the whole day writing the episode and post it late at night. I was going to do a third part but I never finished it.

5\. With the exceptions of the four boys, KG, Manny, and Will, all of the other kids on this show are based off of people I went to junior high/high school with, real names and all. The only non-original kid characters with different names are Anja and Lynne (her name is spelled differently in real life). After the trouble I went through with changing Anja's name, I decided that any new characters I add based off of real people have to have different names.

6\. Originally, Manny and Will were going to be more prominent characters. In fact, after KG, they were going to be the most important side characters. But after the addition of several new characters in the first two seasons, and my desire to write for female characters, their roles became smaller.

7\. Early on in the series, I was trying to come up with several different segments to break up the two acts. The only one that actually lasted was _RoundTable_ , and I even got tired of that. Eventually, I just decided to do away with the segments.

8\. The episode "Sparky's Big Hit" wasn't really supposed to lead to the cover episodes I do now. It was just my attempt to correct "Arthur's Big Hit," an episode I hated, and looking back, I don't think I did a good job. It wasn't until "Quadruple Date" that I started looking at the cover episodes as some unique thing that I could do.


End file.
